Sea Healing

A wild unruly coastline --
Waves march in ordered sequence
to end in joyous explosions of spray.
Sand etched daintily by the feet of gulls
shivers from the orgasmic thud of surf.
Jagged chins of rock jut defiantly,
tearing fog into grey rags.

Windblown pines,
arthritic sentinels of the shore,
guard its secrets from the sea's
unrelenting inquiries
and sigh in conspiratorial whispers
like bewhiskered old men retelling
oft-told tales.

Stepping lightly,
I walk down long logs
hoping an agate will wink at me.
My hair is salted by the wind.
Eyes down,
I wait for God.

Clothing My Heart

Why does my heart ache?
I seek to understand the hollow in my chest,
Trying on labels like clothes.
Regret?
Loneliness?
Disconnection?
Rejection?
Sorrow?
Weltschmerz (how chic!)?
I look in the mirror:
none seem to fit.
Too pat,
Too patterned,
Too tight,
Too loose,
Too long,
Too ludicrous.
All costumes,
clown suits,
chimeras.
What's the naked truth?
Do I need to peel off my skin
to see inside my soul?
Will I find layers of lies?
Am I the layer or the laid?
The liar?
I will learn to love this,
my many-layered self.

(Be)Longing

I want my old self back.
The one that plunged deep into dreams,
careless of consequences.
The one that embraced love fearlessly,
giving without hesitation --
no thought to wherewithal's or whither's,
no fingers surreptitiously counting entries
on some karmic balance sheet.

A self that drank in the sea,
saw horizons beckoning,
smelled the sweetness of salt
on sun-drenched skin --
never imagining the susurration of waves
could whisper a language of loss,
the melding of blue into blue
at the edge of the world
signal annihilation, not exhilaration.

I want the wand that wreaked
this spell on my perspective,
transforming desire into drudgery,
the glitter of the unknown
to a haze of arbitrary choices.
The spell that stole my faith in Meaning,
reducing it to a word with seven letters --
as random as a cloud of ashes
puffed by a gust of wind.

I'll wave it in reverse --
Not reliving, but relieving!
Releasing my heart from its suspension
in futility, like a bubble of foam
so I can run once again with the waves,
build castles in sand,
be aware of the incoming tide and not caring.
Simply focusing on creation and delight!

Perspective Shift

Today my world view shifted.
I looked out a window whose shades have been drawn.
I've likened life to a ladder,
Stepping on rungs of the present
That rest on the foundation of past experience
To ascend (note the connotation of "progress")
To the future.
An upward journey.
To repeat experiences is failure.
Like the game of Chutes and Ladders.
That's the image I've sculpted,
The script I have written.
By that standard, I feel like a loser.
I've barely climbed out of the slime!
This was a day I drew back the curtains
And saw an ocean, no ladder.
A heap of equal potentials.
No hierarchy.
No up = success or down = failure.
Just movement like breath,
Stirring waves of awareness.
Gently lifting dross to the surface.
Letting light play with it
Wind stir it.
The rhythm of the tides shift it.
And then awareness subsides for a while.
Something new arises.
Life isn't a series of steps!
Life is waves!
This was a day I jumped off the ladder
Into the water.
Abandoned judgement and effort,
Linear seeking,
The journey of Will.
This was a day to be one with the ocean,
To wash up on the beach
Exposing new pebbles,
Be warmed by the sun.
Then slowly be drawn, somewhat changed,
Back to Source.
Mix with the wisdom of the deep,
Recharge and be lifted
To pound against rocks
Or caress the sand again.
I'm awash in acceptance, surrender, cyclic sea change.
I'm always supported.
There's nowhere to fall.
The breathing of the ocean has transformed the earth.
Slow but relentless,
Powerful, gentle.
Atoms of shapeless water
Lap cliffs into sand
Erode calcified thinking
Slowly exposing beauty,
Bringing agates to light.

Valentine's Day

This was a day my Libra was strong
Not nicely balanced or even-keeled,
But tipping this way then that.
This was a day I made lots of cards
Felt focused and artful.
But after I finished
My critic took over,
Casually commenting,
"They're really quite awful!"
This was a day of cats yowling loudly
Fiona, the sneak, was behaving quite badly.
This was a heart day.
I forgot all about it.
No one reminded me.  :-(
This was a day I saw the first robin,
Goldfinches beginning to glow.
Two flickers flirting.
Spring's really coming!
This was a day I wanted some company,
Longed for connection,
Reveled in solitude,
Wished it would snow.
02/14/2016

My Mother

Today my heart broke open
A rose opening with such an ache of magnanimity
that its petals spilled into tears.
Today my love for my mother ran pure
Unadulterated by
Resistance
Judgment
Resentment.
Today I looked into the mirror of my ancestors and saw strength;
A gift, not a curse.
Fine clay to shape and transform,
Not mud to be cast aside as worthless,
Wishing I were something different.
Today my heart unfolded like a lotus,
Revealing the true essence of my mother
And her mother
And her mother before her --
Like matryoshka dolls.
Today I was grateful to be part of that feminine lineage.
Today my mother held me in a glow of unconditional love.
Letting go of all the weighty trappings I had
Placed upon her memory
Has set me free to love myself.
02/03/16

Marx's Tomb

Today was a day of fingers dancing
on keyboard letters
Slow waltzes spinning numbers into spreadsheets
Then tapping lightly as Inspiration
transported them, shaping stories in NETMA.
Today I wrote well if I say so myself.
Today I laughed a lot.
Today I was dumbfounded by ignorance:
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
That is a grave question indeed!
Today was a day I felt strong;
connected to Earth.
I could feel its currents like subtle caresses.
Today I liked being alive.
Today as I drove home, orange clouds tinged with pink
glowed in the West, pregnant with snow.
Today I was grateful I stayed late at work
just so I could watch the sky.

I want a magic wand!

Today eight Steller's Jays were all abuzz
when I opened the back door
to give them their daily fix of peanuts.
I swear they were saying "Hey!  She's here!"
Today I felt their excitement
and treasured their presence.
Today I wondered what gift the disharmony
and tension at work held for me.
Today I tried to discern what part
I play in all that.
I have to own what is reflected:
control, judgement, wanting to separate.
Today it was hard to keep love in my heart.
Today I fell into resistance.
Today I wanted a magic wand:
I'd sprinkle love and empowerment
and acceptance throughout my workplace.
Hell -- I'd initiate a downpour of love!
Open the floodgates!
Love starts with me.
Maybe I'm the wand?

Money, Honey!

(this is a rap...think Eminem)
Money.
The effluent
of affluence
defoliating dreams,
felling ideals,
clogging streams of consciousness.
The fluency
of currency
influencing reams of images
pretending to be authentic
voices of the soul.
Speaking in tongues of desire
to acquire;
conspiring
to strip,
rip,
nip
any shred of decency.
Shrouding the rawness of my hungers
in false cravings.
I wonder
when the ravening will cease.
The fingers stop groping,
hoping for increasingly
large handfuls of stuff
to titillate,
mire my mind
in the gyres of possession,
quelling higher callings
with a procession
of temptations
that
pull
me
down.
Suck my spirit
until my essence is gone,
spewed into the womb of cash registers
frozen in barren assets.
A landscape littered
with dollar signs.

Death of a friend

Today was a day of sad news
A friend died last night.
My God.
I didn't say goodbye.
No more quick repartee's!
Friendly lunches.
No more next times.
Today was a day I wondered
if Death sends subtle signals,
leaves small notes in unlikely places:
a trail of bread crumbs to follow
right up to His door.
Today I cast a net back in time
to see if something had slipped by me.
Any sign of a summons?
It came up empty.
Today I affirmed my joy in Being.
I'm not ready to slip into darkness.
There's too much I haven't done!
My heart has too recently opened!
I have more love to learn,
more forgiveness to practice.
There's something inside me
that has yet to manifest
before Breath leaves me.

Confetti

Today I focused on getting things done
so I could laugh.
Today I enjoyed interacting with co-workers,
being lighthearted and silly...
a little bit weird.
That's when my fairy energy feels safe to shine.
My hands dance as I talk,
pulling thoughts from the ether,
shaping them into words.
Today my muse nodded in my direction,
threw ideas like confetti.
I feel so alive when I'm playful,
so connected to spirit.
So small a thing,
yet it lifts my heart
and the world feels more buoyant,
transformed like the glow of a match
kissing a candle.
Everything shifts.
It's all there waiting --
Laughter lets in the light.

Poop and Peanuts

This was a day to prepare for snow:
Impending white blooms borne by clouds.
This was a day of stomach cramps:
An unhappy belly.
What the hell.
This was a day I stayed close to the toilet.
Not close enough sometimes.
This was a day of errands.
I thought I was organized,
but I forgot peanuts.
What the hell.
This was a day of a lot of "I didn'ts"
I didn't meditate
I didn't dance
I didn't feel good.
What the hell.
This was a day I kept saying "tomorrow"
Tomorrow I'll exercise
Tomorrow I'll write
Tomorrow I'll feel better.
What the hell.

Static

Today was a day of static:
A noun meaning a staccato haze of perception
Interrupted thoughts
Misconstructions
Irritating fuzz
The acrid smell of dust burning.
Today was a day of static:
A discouraging adjective
Nothing changing
In a state of stasis
Preservation of the mediocre
The tepid
The mundane.
Where's my joy?
Today brought a ray of hope
Emanating from Shawna the Post Master.
Will memories rise from the bowels
of the Mail Recover Center?
My "come to me" beacon is glowing, fueled by faith.
Today my resistance to routine relented
a micron or so.
My radar was tuned to sloppy thinking.
Lots of bogeys showed up on the screen.

Teeter-totters and Swings

This was a day of teeter-totters and swings.
This was a day that started out high --
Talking to Gretchen, she sharing stories
of water fountains and tantrums:
Ozzy's frustrations
Ned's satisfactions.
This was a day I swooped (or dropped) down,
Trying to navigate the labyrinth of health care reform.
ACA pages in PeopleSoft
Employees straying out of their status
Feeling lucky (or cocky?)
Then wondering if I'm walking on quicksand.
This was a day I took the stairs at work twice.
I surprised myself.
I should do that more often!
This was a day I saw my
"need to know,"
"stay ahead of the curve,"
"get a handle on things"
for what they truly are...
To be in control.
I've called it curiosity
but it isn't "pure."
This was a day I decided to be curious
about that behavior.
Soften.
Sink (sync?) into flow.

Wild Horses and Routine

Today was a day when sixty starlings
fell like snow from the sky.
Today Fiona's fur shone purple glimmerings,
but her eyes leaked green sparks of jealousy.
Sigh.
Today I decided I would love her out of her fear.
I will love me out of my fear, too.
Today wild horses tossed their heads in my chest,
hooves lashing at my intent to establish routine.
They fear capture!
Being corralled!
Sure that they will lose themselves in a box.
"Run if you want to be free," they cry.
"Kick down fences!"
But I know my path lies through
The land of discipline,
Rituals like stepping stones,
Routine subtle walls outlining my way.
Direction.
I've been running "free" in circles.
Today is the day I accept that walking
the razor's edge, allowing the reins of a divine rider,
is the only way to get where I want to go.
All else is tilting at windmills.

Discomfort

Today was all about boundaries.
Today was watching the interplay of
shadow and light.
Today was a day of wondering:
Ego?
Projection?
My gut saying No!
You're feeling something REAL?
My head and heart trying to navigate
uncomfortable territory.
Was the closed door a slam?
Shit, give me some space!
Some time, not a slap in the face.
Today was a day of a one-word battle.
Today "soda" exploded, a shaken can of dissension.
Today I felt something rip.
Can't tell yet if it was just a tear in my ego
(still revealing if so)
Or the tide of my life loosening the hold
work has on me.
I wonder if a ship feels strange
when its anchor is lifted --
Not knowing what's next.

New Hair and Friends

Today was a new hair day.
Today was a new me in the making.
New colors, new car, new realization.
Today was a take-leave day;
A turning point,
A determination
To set forth on a new path.
Today was a day to commit to staying the course.
Be aware.
Pay attention to my saboteur.
Today my brain felt stuffed with cats with claws,
Protesting too small a space.
Ouch!
Too much input, too little time to process.
Today Ozzy counted three friends:
Julian, Edmund and Leonardo!
Today I remembered that simple things
Like counting friends make life sweet.
Today I see that uncomfortable situations
In the long run dissolve into mush,
Not worth eating.
Today I want to remember the beauty of autumn leaves
Painting the surface of a pond.
Breathe that in and be!

Cat Puke and Woe

This was a day of cat puke and woe
This was a day of closed doors
Shutting out distractions
Getting things done and
Not getting hurt.
This was a day of isolation.
Busy filling emptiness.
This was a day to hear of courage,
determination to rise whole out of brokenness.
This was a day to be home in my body.
To watch, to observe, not to judge.
This was a day I felt real heat arise,
anger kindled by the strike of an unkind word.
This was a day I simply watched --
I didn't react.
My body was hot;
God saw the coals glowing.
I felt them.
This was a day when nothing nurtured or nourished.
I'll let that be.

Hands

Today I look at the hand holding this pen

And am willing to write what I see:

Translucent skin stretched across tendons and bones like a worn umbrella.

A map crisscrossed by blood-bearing rivers.

Age spots sprinkled at random like towns.

All overlaid by gossamer wrinkles –

The topography of time.

I don’t feel fragile, but my hands are beginning

To look like my mother’s.

A peculiar beauty reminiscent of crackled glass.

Young eyes see old hands as a fading,

A metamorphosis toward the grotesque:

Delicate care-worn claws.

Old eyes see old hands as incandescent

Lighted by holding babies, turning earth, soft caresses.

Burnished by love.

White and Trite

This was a day of melting snow,

Pine trees struggling to stand upright,

Untangle themselves from the grip of winter.

This was a day I opened boxes,

Rescuing memories from hibernation

Light breathing life into them again.

They’d lain asleep in the dark for so long!

This was a day I flopped like a fish

From present to future,

Then back to the past.

Never quite landing, but feeling the hook

Pulling me this was and that.

This was a day I felt like King Midas

My touch wasn’t golden.

It was tainted by triteness.

This was a day I had lots of ideas

But no inspiration.

I fiddled with pieces.

But nothing quite fit.

Pixels and Strings

This was a day I felt stretched too thin,

Sunshine infiltrating my atoms.

This was a day I felt pixelated,

Composed of misaligned squares with sharp edges –

My self leaking out of my skin, jangled by the bright.

This was a day I longed for clouds,

Lowering skies

The scent of impending moisture,

Ethereal weight gently easing me

Back inside my skin

Like down tucked into a pillowcase.

This was a day to be silly

Ideas and insights flying like feathers

Winking slyly

Playing hard to get.

This was a day I got acquainted with victims

Wrapped in shades of the rainbow:

The blues of poor me,

Righteous reds

Jealous greens

Cowardly yellows.

People blaming a puppeteer, not owning they’re pulling their own strings.

No one makes me dance but me!

Milestones and Pearls

Today was a milestone: something truly amazing!

I jogged…really jogged!

The cats were agog

To witness the feat of my feet flying

An ability lost to me for nearly 12 years!

I’ve dreamt of it lately

But was too scared to try it.

Now I have done it!

My heart’s of good cheer!

Today was a movie

Scenes scattered at random

With little connection…

Just like real life.

‘Til we make it a story,

Putting pearls on a necklace,

Stringing one after another

Like Arabian Nights.

Scheherazade spun tales to save her life.

Is that what we all do?

Spin discrete moments into yarn to knit our lives together?

And so remember?

Cats and Quietude

This was a day of solitude and quiet

This was a day I watched snowfall and birds.

This was a day I was glad I had cats.

Bird-watching cats.

I explained the differences between finches.

They could care less.

“Finches all look the same to us,” they grumbled.

That’s prejudice for you.

This was a day I was glad I stayed home. 

I felt better, but still not right.

Was it something I ate?  I want to blame Zia.

This was a day of committed choice:

A good course to follow.

My heart wants a change.

My head said do taxes.

My body said Nap!  I needs to relaxes!

Why does my compass wobble?

Birds and Brews

Today finches fell from the sky

Tumbling into trees like marbles

Bouncing from limb to limb

Always descending.

Waves of siskins washing up on oaks

Wings flashing in astonishing numbers

Wheezy chirping assaulting the senses.

A feathery flood!

Today I played alchemist

Brewing potions of oils to heal and to soothe:

Helichrysum, cedar and myrrh

Patchouli and rose.

Today I felt blah.

Bloated and raw.

Today I asked myself to be gentle:

On my heart (I could hear myself nagging),

On my mind (I just wasn’t “here”),

On my body (I’m going to bed early!).

Gravity

This was a day to be grounded.

This was a day to slip on elephant shoes and drum the earth.

This was a day to be a boulder perched on a mountainside.

This was a day to slip down and kiss the floor of the valley.

This was not a day to glide on the wind

Skim waves

Froth milk

Tip-toe.

This was a day to be a snake.

Be all belly smoothing the earth.

This was a day to be a sequoia mining the earth with strong roots

Gripping worms

Breaking stones

Holding fast.

This was not a day to let go.

This was a day to let gravity keep me close.

Flocks and Flotsam

Today was a scourge of magpies

Interrupting my bird count.

Today was a flicker; a nag of blue jays.

Today was a bird bath frothed with discarded feathers.

There’s cat fur in the dryer.

How can I get an address wrong?

Today was Cricket dancing with a piece of paper.

I danced, too.

Today was putting away Christmas,

Stacking memories in a cold garage;

The smell of cedar-wood lifting my spirits,

A chill of Vikings spilling out of the television.

Today was roses and blood.

Crazy and Mellow

I have one cat
made out of feathers,
the other
forged from steel.

The one dances on tiptoe,
as light on her feet
as on the eye --
a shadow
barely visible.
Was that a cat?
Let me blink away the blur!

The other plays gorilla,
muscling her way
through space --
her forward thrust
so deliberate
you'd think
air was made of lead.

The light one, Crazy --
A riffle
mincing
delicate
teasing perception.
My hands close in
on a Cheshire grin.

Mellow, the dense --
a waterfall
tumultuous
demanding
defining her reality.
I've captured a panther,
not a cat.

I pick them up --
A scale would say
they weigh nearly the same.

One floats in my fingers,
a ball of fur and purr
suspended in midair
lofted by her desire for
minimal impact.
Her footprints a whisper.

The other sinks earthward,
tightly knit muscles
grabbed by gravity
atoms compacted
by attitude.
Each step
commands attention.

Night Trees

I think trees contemplate the stars at night.
They reach across the sky with tree minds
to acknowledge oneness with their source:
a star's explosion
sowing atoms of carbon like seeds
in the furrows of galaxies,
sprinkling iron like salt
to flavor life.

That's why trees grow upward
in praise of light and order.
Visible proof of the unity of polar opposites --
At once rooted in dark earth,
immobilized in soil,
while branches dance on air,
catching sunlight and moonlight;
weaving dazzling shadow patterns
on the ground beneath them.

Autumn Leave-taking

Long golden tongues --
The wind chides them,
but they are reluctant to lift
from the grass's green palette.
Remembering their tree-born
freedom of articulation,
they heave and shudder gently --
a slight yielding to the coaxing breeze.
Tongues sigh in unison.
A chorus of soft murmurings
muted by dew.

A week passes, and the tongues
become dusky curls
whirling giddily with any breeze
that happens by.
Like nubile girls,
they tempt the wind,
lifting their skirts
then scattering to the safety
of a cloistered heap.
Their laughter rasps sharply
as they play at hide and seek.

A snowfall, heavy and enduring
stills the dancing of the tongues
to demure quiescence.
They darken,
elongate once again.
The syllables of their hushed
conversations slur.
Numbed by cold,
stunned by winter,
the tongues melt into sleep.
There will be no awakening.

Bugger Blogger

This was a day I rued choosing Blogger
My god, what a mess!
Its functions are clumsy
Or is that just me?
This was a day I started my webpage
I have an address!
"Navigating Dark Waters"
That's a dot com.
It's so close to the truth
My ticket to fame?
(That's a joke by the way!)
I'm very excited, and somewhat obsessed
A little bit scared I have to confess.
Where do these rhymes come from?
Is that really me?
It's so often nonsense
I'm sure you'll agree.
This is a day I really don't care
If I make any sense,
Am profound or unique
I'm finding my voice
And perfecting technique!
;-)