Clothing My Heart

Why does my heart ache?
I seek to understand the hollow in my chest,
Trying on labels like clothes.
Regret?
Loneliness?
Disconnection?
Rejection?
Sorrow?
Weltschmerz (how chic!)?
I look in the mirror:
none seem to fit.
Too pat,
Too patterned,
Too tight,
Too loose,
Too long,
Too ludicrous.
All costumes,
clown suits,
chimeras.
What's the naked truth?
Do I need to peel off my skin
to see inside my soul?
Will I find layers of lies?
Am I the layer or the laid?
The liar?
I will learn to love this,
my many-layered self.

Death of a friend

Today was a day of sad news
A friend died last night.
My God.
I didn't say goodbye.
No more quick repartee's!
Friendly lunches.
No more next times.
Today was a day I wondered
if Death sends subtle signals,
leaves small notes in unlikely places:
a trail of bread crumbs to follow
right up to His door.
Today I cast a net back in time
to see if something had slipped by me.
Any sign of a summons?
It came up empty.
Today I affirmed my joy in Being.
I'm not ready to slip into darkness.
There's too much I haven't done!
My heart has too recently opened!
I have more love to learn,
more forgiveness to practice.
There's something inside me
that has yet to manifest
before Breath leaves me.

Discomfort

Today was all about boundaries.
Today was watching the interplay of
shadow and light.
Today was a day of wondering:
Ego?
Projection?
My gut saying No!
You're feeling something REAL?
My head and heart trying to navigate
uncomfortable territory.
Was the closed door a slam?
Shit, give me some space!
Some time, not a slap in the face.
Today was a day of a one-word battle.
Today "soda" exploded, a shaken can of dissension.
Today I felt something rip.
Can't tell yet if it was just a tear in my ego
(still revealing if so)
Or the tide of my life loosening the hold
work has on me.
I wonder if a ship feels strange
when its anchor is lifted --
Not knowing what's next.

Cat Puke and Woe

This was a day of cat puke and woe
This was a day of closed doors
Shutting out distractions
Getting things done and
Not getting hurt.
This was a day of isolation.
Busy filling emptiness.
This was a day to hear of courage,
determination to rise whole out of brokenness.
This was a day to be home in my body.
To watch, to observe, not to judge.
This was a day I felt real heat arise,
anger kindled by the strike of an unkind word.
This was a day I simply watched --
I didn't react.
My body was hot;
God saw the coals glowing.
I felt them.
This was a day when nothing nurtured or nourished.
I'll let that be.